Rise of the “quaranteens”
Amid the chaos of the coronavirus, a strange new breed has emerged in households across the nation. This fascinating subspecies almost seems to have devolved as a result of the stay-at-home mandate, and has reverted back to behaviors from a previous life. Simultaneously, younger beings have risen up, asserting dominance and joining the devolved breed in behaviors previously deemed out of reach. We call them: the quaranteens.
The quaranteens (myself among them) are a never-before-seen mixed-age cohort of students, kids, teens, and quasi-adults who have been thrown together once again under the same roof. Despite their differences, these siblings of varying ages have all sort of met up somewhere in the middle, creating just about the weirdest family dynamic seen in recent years.
On the cusp of adulthood, college students were sent back home from school in varying states of fragile mental health coupled with crippling spring break hangovers. Clad in the beach cover ups and frat T-shirts they packed for their quick trip to Jamaica or Punta Cana, these students are back home ballers in the shittiest moods yet.
At home, the college quaranteens join their erstwhile companions: the high schoolers. Despite being used to living at home, the high school quaranteens go equally crazy because, seriously, this is a lot of family time together. The younger siblings had a pretty good thing going at home while the older kids were off at college. Power struggle: initiated.
Sure, the college quaranteens have (somewhat) learned to cook while away at college. Does that mean they’re going to at home? Absolutely not. Just because they (we) know how to feed themselves doesn’t mean it's not vastly preferred that mom prepares the meals. Acceptable contributions from college quaranteens might include (and are pretty limited to): properly loading a dishwasher, bringing dirty clothes to the laundry room (and not a step further), and making one’s bed (they’re not animals).
The high school quaranteens make the tough transition from half-assing their classes to quarter-assing their online classes. If the college kids get to pass-fail the classes they actually chose to study and somewhat enjoy, why does the high schooler have to give an online presentation on Guy Fieri for their cooking elective (an actual assignment my younger brother had)? On top of all this, the older, returning quaranteen has totally thrown off the agreed upon seating arrangement at the dinner table.
Also, the drinking age becomes pretty obsolete. The permissible drinking age is now somewhere in the murky quaranteens. Everyone’s home, no one is going anywhere, and the notion of a “school night” has lost all legitimacy. What’s to stop the 17-year-old from grabbing a Corona (has anyone else been craving it?) at 5 o’clock on a Tuesday?
Note: the aforementioned quaranteens are not to be confused with “second wave quaranteens,” who will make their appearance in about 9 months and thirteen years, when the quarantine conceptions will enter their teenage years.